I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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