just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
