just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
