Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
