the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
