Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
