there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
