There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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