We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
