I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
