At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
