Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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