i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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