Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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