In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
