It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
