I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
