I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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