There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
