Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
