My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
