Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
