apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
