My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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