you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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