I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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