shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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