Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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