I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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