for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
