i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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