You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So vagazzling was a success
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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