so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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