Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
