I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
