Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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