if you like me you must not know who I am
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
