I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
