I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
