It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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