i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
