I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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