Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
