do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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