i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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