Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
