Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Randomize
