I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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