Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
