Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
