I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
