I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
